


RC #227 Mission 3: Pilot

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #227 [4]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Co-Written, Collaboration, Department of Floaters, Gary Stu, Guest Author - eatpraylove, Mary Sue, New Recruit - Freeform, PPC Mission, Recruitment, Sporking - Freeform, These Pokemorph Sues are getting out of hand, Transformation, badfic, character replacement, pokemorph
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 11:04:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14400840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: Every agent pair's first mission is a learning experience, and Chris and Ami's is no exception.(Co-written with eatpraylove)





	RC #227 Mission 3: Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. The _Pokémon_ franchise (Falchion’s and Chris's home continuum) belongs to Nintendo, Satoshi Tajiri and Game Freak. _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_ (Ami's home continuum) belongs to Hasbro and was created by Lauren Faust. Agents Chris and Ami Seeker belong to eatpraylove. Agent Falchion belongs to SkarmorySilver.  
>  The fic being sporked, ["The Day I Became Mew"](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/894267/), belongs to [Time Jumper](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/179403/Time-Jumper), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:** Us. Because, well, there were two of us. Yay, us!
> 
> \- **Rating:** K+ – a bit of violence and language, but otherwise surprisingly family-friendly.
> 
> \- **Original posting date:** November 30, 2014 (I know this was posted after the next solo mission I wrote, but I think it reads better in this order. -SkarmorySilver)
> 
> \- **In-Universe Date:** October 25, 2014, immediately after the events of "[Suppertime Stories](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1p57XK59oG56M5gAbF_I3d4FGa55XZuO1iM3ZcSLtQYE/edit)".
> 
> \- **[Original document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WLXsOOT1Lws86Rq4aCS2CI27ROTyn5v5E-roPzUZZ80/edit?pli=1)**

“You know what’s weird?” Ami said. “This is clearly a preowned response center, but there’s only one bed. Where’d the other guy sleep?”

Chris shrugged. “Maybe one of the sofas is actually a futon or something.” He put a can of beef soup and a large box of “Bleepolate” on the snack shelf. “We’ll find out as soon as we have a chance, right?”

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] went the console, directly in Chris’ ear.

“OW! Ho-Oh’s tailfeathers, that hurt!” he yelled.

Meganium attempted to Body Slam the console, but ended up faceplanting in front of it. “Gani…”

 

* * *

 

An indeterminate distance away, the console of RC #227 decided to go [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] as well, at the precise moment when a certain Armor Bird Pokémon stepped inside no less.

Falchion’s partners had left the RC, no doubt because Rashida wanted to give the Floating Hyacinth a piece of her mind after what had happened earlier that day. He was glad they had done so — even if it wasn’t his fault that Stratogale had accidentally ruined everything, he still couldn’t stand to witness his partner unleashing her fury at his adopted sister. They were both family to him, and seeing them fight the way they had certainly done in the previous hour was especially painful.

As it was, the Skarmory agent shook his head, strutted over to the console, and pecked at the big red button with more force than usual. Looking through the report, he didn’t know whether to feel delighted or upset — his home continuum was involved, and not in a good way.

He was about to start packing up as usual, however, when the console [bip]-ed and showed an additional prompt. He gave it a second look, and blinked in surprise.

“Training a new agent team?” he thought aloud. “But… I’ve only done two missions! Can’t this wait until a later time?”

The command prompt on the console presented a single line of output:  [There *is* no time, Agent Falchion. Get to it before the Hyacinth has you pinioned.]

“Are you flocking kidding me?!” Falchion grumbled under his breath, covering his face with his wing. If even the console was telling him to suck it up, it must be really urgent.

With a final sigh of defeat, he packed up his equipment, tossed a feather dart at the work desk as a warning to the console, and exited the RC.

“RC #2319,” he repeated to himself, memorizing the address. “RC #2319, RC #2319, RC #2319…”

  
  


_ Meanwhile _ …

Chris stepped back slightly from the console to let Ami look at the readout. “Check it out, Ami! We’re going to the Pokémon world for our first mission! …Oh. Oh, fooey.”

“What’s wrong?” Ami asked. She levitated the nearest object that could hold things over to her, which turned out to be a pillowcase. 

“This thing says the author ends up badly fusing my world and…World One? What the heck is World One?” Chris replied. Meganium stood up and nuzzled his free hand.

Ami shrugged, placing various PPC gadgets, snacks, and other supplies into the pillowcase. “Got me. Wait, fusing worlds? Isn’t there a department just for stuff like this?”

Chris scanned the fic report in more detail. “Probably. Lessee here … boring, the Sue gets speshul powers, bad spelling, what does that even  _ mean _ …” The console [bip]-ed and displayed an additional message over the fic report. “We’re getting mentors? Well, this just got interesting.”

“Oh! Does it say who?”

“…some guy named Falchion and his partner.” Chris shrugged and detached Meganium’s Poké Ball. “Meganium, return. Ami, can you keep the  _ Velociraptor _ under control while I go look for Falchion?”

“I’ll do my best,” Ami smiled. (The  _ Velociraptor _ , who had both fluffy gray-brown fur and pennaceous feathers, was currently relaxing on their blue sofa.)

“Thanks. See you in a bit!” Chris put Meganium’s Ball in its place and walked out of the RC. “OK, the readout said this Falchion guy was in RC #227…how the heck do I get there?” Out of habit, he pulled out his Pokégear and opened the Town Map feature.

Or, he would have, if the Pokégear had actually turned on. He gave it a quick whack, but the screen didn’t light up. “Great. Just friggin’ great. Now I have to go find DoSAT in  _ addition _ to Falchion.” He turned left and began walking down the hallway in a very bad mood.

Half an hour later, he was sufficiently lost.  _ Wish I had a good map for this place _ , he thought.  _ It’d be a pretty big map, but if that’s what it takes to find anything here _ …

“SKAR-KRIII!” something screeched in alarm, just before the world shifted slightly.

Next moment, Chris stood on a Generic gray battlefield, like a hall in an office building. His Pokédex began playing a familiar peppy tune as the being he’d almost run into — a _ Skarmory  _ — seemed to fade in from the right. ( _ “Wild Skarmory appeared!” _ )

Chris paused for exactly five seconds, and then laughed. “All right! I haven’t seen a Skarmory in ages!” He detached and threw Meganium’s Poké Ball. “Go, Meganium!”

His starter adopted a battle stance immediately upon landing. “Megaaa!”

The Skarmory — wearing a black collar of some sort, Chris noticed — stared down Meganium as only a Skarmory could. “Oh, for Arceus’s sake,” it squawked irritably. “Why does this  _ always _ happen to me?!”

Chris didn’t process the fact that the Skarmory had talked right away. Instead, he pointed his Pokédex’s camera at it, just to be sure the machine still worked.

“Skarmory, the Armor Bird Pokémon,”  the Pokédex beeped, displaying a picture. “Steel/Flying type, male. …Error: Unable to identify target power level.”

“Of course it is,” Chris grumbled. “Meganium, Body Slam!”

Meganium got a quick running start and jumped at the Skarmory. The bird dodged out of the way just in time, and retaliated by flinging his wings forward. Tiny metallic darts flew from under them and landed on the floor around Chris/Meganium. ( _ “Wild Skarmory used Spikes! Spikes were scattered around the team’s feet!” _ )

“Don’t let him get to you, Meganium!” he called. “Get him from behind!” It felt good to be in a real battle again. Chris just hoped he had a spare Ultra Ball to catch it in.

Deciding that there was nothing else to do, the Armor Bird Pokémon selected Whirlwind, flapping his wings in an attempt to blow the Herb Pokémon away.

While Meganium did end up hitting the wall, he was far from out of the fight. He got up and charged again, this time with more successful results. (“ _ Meganium used Body Slam!” _ )

Skarmory squawked at nothing in particular and landed right on the feather darts. It didn’t seem to hurt him much; instead, a little white halo briefly covered his entire body, and the dents in his armor went away. ( _ “Wild Skarmory used Roost! Wild Skarmory regained health!” _ )

Chris frowned. He’d forgotten what a pain Skarmory were without an Electric or Fire-type. Worse, this one seemed to be able to heal itself without a Berry. “Meganium, we gotta do some damage here.”

Meganium nodded, and the flower around his neck began glowing white. Chris smiled. This was his favorite part, when Meganium got ready to unleash serious pain. ( _ “Meganium is taking in sunlight!” _ )

“Oh no you don’t!” the Skarmory screeched. He flew up to the ceiling and covered himself in a blue aura, then dove towards Meganium. ( _ “Wild Skarmory used Brave Bird!” _ )

“Dodge it!” Chris shouted. “Whatever that move is, dodge it!”

“Ganium!” Meganium cried back. He ran out of the Steel-type’s way just before he crash-landed. ( _ “Wild Skarmory’s attack missed!” _ ) The Grass-type’s neck flower was now completely covered in white energy.

“Here goes… SolarBeam!”

“Oh COME  _ ON _ !” Skarmory cried, shielding his face with his wings as the beam of light nailed him dead-center. (“ _ Meganium used SolarBeam! Critical hit! It’s not very effective… _ ”)

“Whew, I got really lucky there,” Chris remarked. “Uh, sorry for kind of roping you into this fight. I didn’t realize at first you could, uh…oh geez, where am I going with this?”

“Don’t worry about it. Your Meganium’s pretty good for a Grass-type. Also, I actually fought one of my current partners in a battle back when we first met,” his opponent chirped, taking to the air once more. “You should have seen the look on her face. Priceless!” He pulled a Mago Berry (which of course Chris didn’t recognize) out of the bag on his collar and downed it in one gulp, readying another Brave Bird at the same time. (“ _ Wild Skarmory’s Leftovers restored HP!” _ )

“She wasn’t used to battling like we are, I bet,” Chris commented. Meanwhile, Meganium tried and failed to stall with Poisonpowder. “How’d it go?"

“Well, it was pretty close, but I lost that one,” the Skarmory replied, diving at Meganium and scoring a solid hit. The Grass-type’s HP fell to about a third, and his opponent’s health dropped by a solid amount as well. “Ow. Stupid recoil damage,” he grumbled, popping another berry in his beak. “Anyway, how are things on your end?”

“Not looking great,” said Chris. “I forgot how hard it is to fight Steel-types when all I have is Meganium.” 

“That’s all you’ve got?” the Armor Bird Pokémon asked in surprise. “No wonder my Whirlwind didn’t do anything.”

“I blame years in Limbo and a plothole,” said Chris with a straight face. There was a sudden awkward silence. “Meganium, Synthesis.”

Meganium’s flower started glowing again, but with yellowish-white energy this time. Bits of the light jumped over his body, targeting the scratches from Brave Bird. He smiled pleasantly as the scratches healed in record time.

“OK, now another Body Slam. See if you can paralyze him!”

The Skarmory deflected Meganium’s attack with his wings. “While we’re having this, er, nice conversation, do you know where RC #2319 is? I was told that I’d be training two new agents there.”

“That’s my RC!” Chris said in surprise. “Not sure how to get back there from here, but…”

“Just my luck,” he laughed dryly, using Roost again. “Of all the ways to meet some new faces around here, it  _ had  _ to be a trainer battle like last time. I’m Falchion, by the way. Who are you?”

“I’m Chris. No, I don’t remember my last name, don’t ask. So that means you’re going to help us take on our first badfic?”

“It does indeed,” Falchion confirmed. “By the way, I’d like to apologize in advance.”

“For what?”

“Doing this.” With that, he used Brave Bird and dived at top speed. Meganium couldn’t get out of the way, and as Flying beats Grass, there was no chance of survival.

Meganium collapsed just before Falchion landed. (“ _ Meganium fainted! _ ”) “We needed to break off the fight so we could get back,” he explained somewhat sheepishly. “I think I owe you a Revive. Remind me to get you one when things are less insane.”

Chris rushed to his starter and knelt. “Are you all right, Meganium?”

“Gani, meganium,” Meganium replied weakly, which Falchion translated to, “ _ No, but I had fun anyway. _ ”

“I’ll bet you did,” said Chris, smiling. “Great job out there, buddy. You deserve a rest.” Meganium vanished back into his Poké Ball.

“So, your RC it is, then?” Falchion asked, wondering if he had at least some kind of healing item in his Bag of Holding.

“Sure. I can introduce you to my partner once we get there. Um, I think it’s this way…” With that, he turned and headed off, his new friend right behind him.

  
  


_ In RC #2319 _ …

“Falchion, this is my partner, Ami Seeker,” said Chris. “Ami, Falchion. He’s the mentor the fic report mentioned.”

Ami smiled cutely, offering a front hoof. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

“…is she some kind of Ponyta?” Falchion asked, balancing on one talon and awkwardly shaking her hoof with the other.

“Um, I’m just a normal unicorn pony,” she explained. “Ponyta sounds kind of cute, though.”

“Ohh, you must not be familiar with my home continuum yet,” said Falchion. “You’re probably not from it, either, since, well, you look like a children’s cartoon.”

“Hey,  _ My Little Pony _ is totally legit,” Ami teased. 

“No no, it’s fine, I didn’t mean to be insulting,” the Skarmory laughed nervously. “I’ve heard a lot of good things about that franchise. Especially the most recent generation.  _ Friendship is Magic _ , right?”

“Guys, we can debate our respective franchises later,” Chris put in. “You got the fic report too, right, Falchion?”

“Yep. Our home continuum meets World One. This can only end well.”

Ami blinked curiously. “Should I know what World One is?” The fluffy  _ Velociraptor _ tried to climb up Falchion, though it couldn’t get a grip on his armor; she grabbed it in her magic and levitated it onto the bed anyway.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Falchion replied. “But from what I’ve heard, it’s also known as ‘Real Life.’ A  _ lot  _ of agents around the PPC come from there.”

“Fell through plotholes?”

“Most likely. Anyway, whatever the case, we’ve got ourselves some kind of crossover. Now, normally Implausible Crossovers would get this, or Despatch if World One’s involved. But this isn’t as clear-cut as most crossovers are and Floaters gets a little of everything anyway, which is why we got it. Take my first mission, for example; that monster of a fic involved at least eleven different continua.”

Ami stared at him. “…do I want to know?” she asked.

Falchion shook his head. “Long story short, my author wrote most of it. The fic was  _ supposed _ to take place in  _ The Incredibles _ continuum, but the poor kid dragged in  _ way  _ more franchises than necessary.”

Chris winced sympathetically and stashed Meganium’s Poké Ball in the smallest outside pocket of his backpack. “Sounds like a real doozy.”

“Hey, at least I got an adopted sister out of it,” the Skarmory shrugged. “I’d like to introduce you two to Sarah sometime, but we have bigger Magikarp to fry right now.”

Ami double-checked the pillowcase to make sure she had everything (and that the snacks weren’t getting crushed). “The report said we’d need something called a crash dummy… Do you know where to get one of those?”

“Not sure,” said Falchion. “You should have one already; do you mind if I check your closet, newbies?” 

“Go ahead,” Chris replied. “Wait…what about your partner? The fic said both of you were going to mentor us.”

“Sorry, but she can’t come,” Falchion replied apologetically. He opened up the closet with his beak and began sifting through the contents for a crash dummy. “Basically, Sarah made a total ass of herself just this morning and jumped straight into a trollfic without waiting for my partner. We almost died rescuing her. Rosie’s too angry with her to join us tonight, and she wasn’t even in my RC when I returned from Medical. She’s probably screaming at the Hyacinth right now for letting Sarah take on a proper mission without training. So I’m afraid it’s all on me for this one.”

“I’ll set the disguise generator,” Ami offered. She trotted over to the console and curiously poked a few things with her hoof. “Hmm…ah, there we go. Let’s see, Chris won’t need a disguise, human, one female…”

“I won’t need one either, unless this takes place in a region where my species isn’t native,” added Falchion. “Honestly, I’d be a bit reluctant to disguise myself as a regional bird Pokémon. Unless I could be a Staraptor or a Talonflame, cause those two have the  _ best _ abilities of any Flying-type ever.”

“What?” Chris and Ami asked in unison.

Falchion face-winged. “Never mind. I’m guessing you’re from before the Diamond and Pearl generation, Chris?”

“Uh… Personnel told me I’m from ‘Gen II-era Johto’, whatever that means,” he replied.

“I’m from Unova, Generation V. My author joined the Internet close to the Black and White era. I’ll explain the next time it’s relevant. Now, where’s that dummy? I swear those things have Color Change or something.”

Chris noticed a beige cube underneath the blanket he’d received from Rina. “I think this is it,” he said, pulling it out. “Yep, it’s got a really boring nametag. Catch!” He gently tossed it to Ami, who turned away from programming their disguises long enough to levitate the cube into her pillowcase.

“I haven’t used one of them before, but okay. Let’s go with that.”

Ami tapped a few more places on the viewscreen, and the console chimed pleasantly. “OK, I’ve set a human disguise for myself and a… ‘Fearow’ disguise for Falchion, which was all the console’s idea,” she reported. “The blue button’s the portal button, right?”

“As long as I can use Drill Run, I won’t complain,” Falchion responded. “Besides, Fearow’s from Kanto, so it should fit in anywhere without raising any eyebrows. Also, to answer your question, no. It’s the silver one.”

Chris grabbed a neuralyzer, an RA, an Urple notebook (complete with pen), and a spare set of sunglasses from the mini avalanche of stuff, all of which he then put in his backpack. “I didn’t see any names I recognized other than the Pokémon, so we’re not gonna need the Canon Analysis Device, I think.”

The console hummed, and a square blue doorway materialized in the air. “I got the portal open!” Ami cheered. “Let’s go!”

 

* * *

 

“…OK, this looks so much like Limbo it’s creeping me out,” Chris said, shivering. The agents had emerged in the formless gray void of pre-fic space.

“No argument here,” Ami put in. The disguise generator had turned her into a short, pale, curly-haired human girl wearing faded black sweatpants, beat-up sneakers, and a black hoodie. A blue headband and off-white T-shirt added a splash of color. Her pillowcase had temporarily become a large green tote bag, somehow, and she was still wearing her glasses and necklace. “Wow, standing on two legs like this feels  _ weird _ .”

“It takes some getting used to,” Falchion responded. Instead of metal armor, he now had brown feathers, a long, pointed pink beak, and a red comb on his head. “My own leg structure is so different from a human’s that I ended up falling flat on my back the first time I tried it.”

Ami giggled. “I can picture that pretty clearly, and it’s hilarious. Chris, you can take charges for this one. You’re used to having hands, after all.” She upended the pillowcase/tote bag, kicked the dummy over to her, knelt, and yanked the cord with her teeth. “Oww…”

Chris facepalmed. “Ami, grab the cord with one hand and pull. Think about it like you’re using your magic or…your front hoof, if that helps.”

“Front hoof,” Ami repeated to herself. She reached out and pulled the cord much more successfully that time. “Hey, it worked!” She gathered the rest of her stuff together and began putting it back in the tote bag. “Sorry if I embarrassed you or anything, Chris.”

The newly-inflated dummy twitched erratically, and soon became covered in hot pink glitter. “Well, here we go,” Falchion chirped. “Our first Narrator-Sue.”

> The First Day
> 
> The day started like any other. I was at home living with my parents. I certainly had no job, which was for sure. Instead I lived through excuses and made them every day so I would not have to walk in the heat of summer…

As the dummy rambled on about her/its boring life (including health problems, which was just gross), a standard suburban neighborhood materialized around them. The trees and houses looked too flat, though, and the road was all one color; they reminded Chris and Ami of stage scenery.

“That’s not normal,” said Chris, beautifully stating the obvious. He set down his backpack, opened a larger pocket, and took out the sunglasses, notebook, and pen. Fortunately, the sunglasses allowed him to look at and write in the notebook without hurting his eyes. (Urple and Wilver tended to do that to people.) “OK, got a charge for bland scenery and main character. Um…” He looked at nothing in particular in order to “see” the Words. “Wow. Somebody needs a beta reader. Charging for not properly indicating a character’s thoughts, pretty terrible phrasing, and general grammar fails.”

“Wait, a bland  _ main _ character?” Ami asked, placing the last few bags of pretzels back in the bag. “How’s that even possible? I thought Mary Sues were always super-pretty by human standards.” Indeed, the crash dummy had not really changed its appearance apart from sprouting a bowl-cut at the beginning and looking chubby when the Sue mentioned her weight. No boobs, no long legs, no glittery eyes, no…anything.

“Maybe it’s implied beauty,” Falchion shrugged. “Incoming dream sequence!”

The Sue had just wished that Pokémon were real (“They  _ are _ real, you idiot!” Chris protested quietly), and with assistance only from a small breeze and stray apostrophe, the agents and crash dummy were all thrust into another formless gray void. 

“Luna’s mane, this again?” Ami commented. “Would a little attention to the scenery kill her?”

“We can only pray. …Wait, whose mane?” asked Chris.

“Luna,” she repeated. “In my show, she’s one of two alicorn princesses who rule over Equestria together. Princess Luna raises the moon to begin the night every day; her older sister, Princess Celestia, causes the sunrise. Luna’s also in charge of dreams, which is why I invoked her.”

“I usually swear by Arceus myself,” Falchion commented. “He’s the major deity of my home continuum, though he didn’t turn up in canon until Diamond and Pearl.”

> Alone far away I heard a voice calling my name.
> 
> Natasha . . .
> 
> Natasha . . .
> 
> Mew! (Natasha)

“Okay, really?” Falchion demanded. “This is  _ not  _ an RP thread, you cannot just give us dialogue with no quote marks or anything in here! And for that matter, why is Mew — if that  _ is _ Mew — able to speak English normally?”

The spaced-out ellipses had turned the gray void into a gray tunnel, at the end of which they could see a silhouette of Mew. The possessed crash dummy floated uncertainly a few feet in front of them, reflecting the Sue’s indecision.

“Well, some legendaries are telepathic, so it’d make sense for Mew to have that ability as well,” Chris pointed out. “You know, since it’s a Psychic-type and the ancestor of Pokémon and all that.”

“ _ Normally _ , Chris,” Falchion corrected. “Mew is somehow able to speak English  _ normally _ .”

“Oh, now, that’s just silly.”

Then…

> _ I stood in a darkened room on a lighted platform _ .

The whole world tilted briefly, and a square of light materialized under the Sue’s feet. Chris, Ami, Falchion, and the Sue were unceremoniously yanked to the exact center column of the platform, then just as unceremoniously yanked back to its left edge.

“Everyone OK?” Falchion asked weakly.

Ami gagged. “Bleagh…sort of…what in Tartarus  _ was  _ that?”

“Bad formatting,” Chris replied, checking the Words. “Good thing I’ve teleported before.”

“Wait a minute, you said you didn’t have any superpowers!” Ami protested.

“I remember an old man at the Indigo League with an Abra,” he explained. “He Teleported me back to New Bark Town every time I lost to the Elite Four. …oh, no. Brace yourselves, there’s more where that came from.”

The agents suffered through the same sudden “change-normal” pattern six more times. Each time, the narrative repeated the phrase “alone far away”, but Mew’s silhouette got a little closer.

On the third “change”, a strange creature that looked like a small Kabutops skeleton materialized next to Falchion. “Oh great, a mini-Missingno,” he grumbled. “I’ve heard of those things before, but this is the first one I’ve seen in person.”

“A mini-what?” Chris asked before getting knocked off his feet  _ again _ .

“Sentient programming error from Gen I. Don’t ask. This one’s name is...‘Meww’, with two w’s, apparently. You always charge a Sue for creating minis.”

“…What,” said Chris.

“What?” said Ami.

“Mommy!” Meww rasped, grabbing on to the Sue’s right leg. She was less than amused, and used “ the comfort of another ” (a large white blanket labeled “another” that spawned over her shoulders on the fic’s fourth return to normal formatting) to flick it away. Meww would not be deterred, though, and simply clung onto the blanket. “My mommy.”

Falchion had to cover his face with  _ both  _ wings that time. “If the dream sequence is this bad, I’d hate to see what will happen when she wakes up.”

Ami turned her head a few directions. “Did anyone else hear a door unlocking just now? Or, like, tinkling glass?”

“I heard the glass, but not the door,” said Chris. He quickly wrote down “creating a mini-Missingno” and “reckless format changes”. “Jeez. I know dreams aren’t really supposed to make sense even when they’re not plot-relevant, but this is just overkill.”

“Don’t worry, she’ll wake up soon,” Falchion assured them. “Right about…now, in fact.”

> The next morning dawned bright but the echoes of one little cat remained. I wanted it to be true. Rushing out of bed I was met with disappointment as I saw nothing out my window that would indicate real pokemon. With a heavy heart I got dressed for the day. Somewhere deep down I still held out hope that something good would come of all this.

Another mini-Missingno, this one resembling a hawk-sized Aerodactyl skeleton, swooped down out of the void to join the first one.

“Aaaaand there’s our second mini,” Falchion noted. “Not having the accent over the e in Pokémon is understandable, given that accent marks and typing don’t mix very well. But not capitalizing the name itself? That’s just… unforgivable.”

Before either of the newbies could respond, they were all yanked backwards by an invisible force that hit harder than any Whirlwind attack. A few moments later, the Sue’s bedroom materialized around them and they all landed on each other. (The “comfort of another” had become her blanket, which looked even sillier.)

“Ow,” Falchion grumbled from the bottom of the pile. “Well, this is awkward…”

“Is teleportation always gonna be this painful?” Ami wondered.

“First, they’re called scene shifts,” said Falchion. “And second, they do that to everyone. It happened on my first time as well.”

Chris picked himself up off the pile, checked the Words, and did a double take. “Did we just… get sent three weeks into the future?”

“Yep,” Falchion chirped. “Scene shifts can send you forward or backward in time as well as over vast distances. Trust me, I know.”

“They’re harmless, though, right? Aside from throwing you to the ground.”

“For some of us, that’s the worst they do. My sister got awfully sick after her first one, though. The poor girl threw up all over the place.”

Ami cringed sympathetically. “I can relate to that. She really needs help, doesn’t she?”

“Too nice, human. Other girl just a wuss,” pokemon laughed, rattling its wing bones.

Falchion glared at it. “Shut up. My sister is  _ not _ a wuss!”

And then the fic began describing what happened when the Sue woke up one day to find that she had changed. A lot. She now had tiny three-fingered hands (almost like paws), a “ bulbous tail ” (which looked terrible), and a different voice. Also, a pair of glasses had materialized on the dummy's face.

“I had no idea crash dummies could change shape,” said Falchion, staring at the Sue’s new form in total shock.

“OK, what the heck?” Chris demanded of the narrative. “Mew’s tail is long, skinny, and ends in an oval shape, not…whatever shape that is! Plus points for waiting a reasonable amount of time to get your powers, but  _ come on! _ There’s no excuse for messing up Mew’s biology like that!” He punctuated this with some angry writing in the notebook.

Ami, meanwhile, seemed to have found something alarming in the Words. “Um, guys…I think you need to see this,” she said carefully. “It’s the paragraph after she realizes Pokémon might be real in other places…”

Falchion looked at the paragraph she mentioned, and his beak dropped open. “ … No, no, no. She did  _ not _ just do what I think she just did.”

_ Uh-oh _ , thought Chris. “What’s wrong?”

Falchion turned around slowly and gave the newbies a look akin to using Leer. “This author… unless I’ve suddenly developed vision problems, she brought up one of the greatest tragedies of World One way too soon after it happened, and then wangsted about the universe’s bad timing.”

Ami’s expression grew very serious. “Permission to deliver karma once we can eliminate her? I don’t care if she was trying to say that she could help people with her new powers; I’ve heard enough bad jokes about Princess Twilight’s ascension to know that you  _ do not _ treat major political/historical events that way.  _ Ever _ .” 

“Permission granted,” Falchion replied, who wasn’t quite sure what she meant. He had heard of Twilight Sparkle before, and the MLP cartoon in general (one of his official partner’s friends was derived from that continuum), but he hadn’t caught up with the series in full, at least not yet.

“Ascension? What was she before, and what’d she ascend to?” Chris asked.

Ami tilted her head curiously. “How do you…? Oh, right. The short version is that Princess Twilight (who used to be a unicorn) accidentally cast an incomplete spell that screwed up her friends’ destinies, and when she fixed it, Princess Celestia made her an alicorn princess as a reward. And before you say it,  **no** , she is  **not** a Canon Sue. She’s just as flawed and prone to mistakes as anypony else.”

Falchion and both mini-Missingno whistled innocently.

“Is it any of my business what the tragedy you mentioned is?” Chris wondered.

“The bombing of the World Trade Center in New York City,” the Fearow said simply. “I know about it because I got a front-row ticket to a half-assed version of it on my previous mission. It wasn’t a good day for anyone, I’ll say that much.”

Neither Ami nor Chris had any response for him.

A short while later, the Sue began practicing a levitating move, with some difficulty (“Props at least for having trouble initially,” said Falchion), before trying to use her tail to grab things because her arms were too short. Then she remembered that Mew (she said Ditto, but she clearly meant Mew) could learn Transform (more plus points), and used that to turn into her human form again.

The agents spent the next few paragraphs (“hours” in fic time) observing the Sue generally getting used to her new biology, rambling about nothing, and learning other Pokémon moves, during which Falchion and Chris grew increasingly annoyed with her.

“OK, she’s  _ definitely _ making these moves up,” Chris declared at one point. “Telekinesis? Psych Up? ‘ psych-heal ’? Those don’t even sound like legit moves!”

A small black ghost with long-fingered hands — yet another mini-Missingno — materialized in front of him. “Hey! I ‘legit’!” it rasped indignantly. “What ‘legit’ mean?”

Chris pulled his hat over his eyes forcefully. “Oh for Raikou’s sake…”

“Actually, the first two you mentioned  _ are _ canonical,” Falchion pointed out. “Telekinesis guarantees that the user can hit the target, and Psych Up copies the opponent’s stat changes. Mew can learn both of them, but only by TM in Gen V and Gens II and IV, respectively. Besides her obvious lack of TMs, the main problem is that this was written in…” He checked the summary via a handheld computer. “2002. So we can charge her for that time distortion. And making up a move that sounds  _ suspiciously _ like Recover, plus not capitalizing move names and giving Mew the ability to learn Tail Whip and Disable.”

“What’s wrong with that last one?” Chris asked. He booted psych-heal in the Sue’s general direction once he started writing. “Go bother your mom, freakshow.”

Falchion pecked at the computer a few times. “According to Bulbapedia, Mew can’t learn those moves no matter what game you’re playing.”

“…Got it. Also, and I should have done this earlier…” He stopped writing long enough to glare at the Sue. “Charge for mastering Pokémon moves too quickly and having more than four of them at once.” 

“Why is that a charge?” Ami wondered. “You explained the whole movepool thing to me earlier, Chris, but it doesn’t seem right to me that creatures as powerful as Pokémon can’t remember most of their moves.”

“Blame the good people of Game Freak,” Falchion quipped, clicking his needle-sharp beak. “In all seriousness, though, instant expertise isn’t too far off the mark in terms of  _ Pokémon _ game mechanics. We can learn moves by reaching a certain level, by TM or HM — those are special CDs that teach super-cool moves — or, in some cases, by visiting a special human called a ‘Move Tutor’. You can also breed certain moves onto certain Pokémon, but that’s a lot more complicated and I won’t go into it. With me so far?”

Ami nodded. “So what if a Pokémon knows Bite and forgets it to learn, I dunno, Thunderbolt or something? Does that mean it can’t eat?”

“That’s a common misconception,” said Falchion. “Any Pokémon can bite stuff to feed, but the move Bite specifically refers to using that action against an enemy Pokémon. Same with other basic actions that qualify as starting moves like Scratch, Peck, and so on.”

“Oh, OK, that makes a little more sense. What else do I need to know right now?”

“Just this part,” said Chris, finishing up the latest charges. (He’d never been very good at dictation.) “Pokémon are amazingly strong, but even Psychic-types like Mew aren’t really intelligent the way humans are. That’s one reason they have to ‘forget’ a move they already know in order to learn a new one.”

“The other reason is that programming, say, five moves onto every Pokémon in the game would have been a  _ huge _ chore in 1995,” Falchion added. “Which is why it’s so  _ mind-boggling _ to me that this  _ idiot _ doesn’t seem to understand that, or at least provide an explanation as to why the rules don’t apply to her. I mean, come  _ on _ , every single damn game uses the same system! How do you cluck that up if you love  _ Pokémon _ enough to write fanfiction about it?!”

Fortunately for them, the Sue had moved on from learning/practicing her new powers to describing her (slightly warped but by no means angst-worthy) family life, and so did not hear any of what they’d just said. 

Ami took off her glasses (with a little difficulty) and folded them up neatly. “I wonder if I can see the Words like this…oh, goody. Prepare your eardrums; we’re about to hear an author’s note.”

> **End Chapter**
> 
> For an opening I just want to say Thank You. Thank you to all those that have reviewed and been patient with me as I know all of you want to know when a new chapter will be out. I have chapter 12 on hold for reason. Revision was most definitely needed in this story. 

“It still is,” all three of them (and psych-heal) commented. Surprisingly, the author’s “voice” wasn’t high-pitched and grating, but fairly normal if a bit monotone.

> I had to delete paragraphs and rewrite whole others. I have also tried a little bit of humor to the best of my ability.
> 
> If anyone has ideas for humor and where I can add it to this story please say so in a review. I would much appreciate it very much. Also later in this story I will not whatsoever change the starters to something else. 
> 
> I know someone complained about this but to this person… stick your finger where the sun doesn’t shine. 

“ _ I’m _ complaining about this!” Chris protested. “Why is she going to include  _ starters _ when she just replaced a legendary?! Literally!” He added a note to the charge list, which was now taking up a little more than a page: “Search for real Mew. Plotholes?”

> I have my reasons for things and people placed oddly. There is a method to my madness…
> 
> Okay, on a lighter note I will get right to work on revising chapter two and hopefully everything will run smoothly from there.
> 
> I am sorry for taking so long to update this story. Please forgive me.
> 
> Have a Happy Holiday everyone!

Ami shook her head disapprovingly. “Nice try, filly, but I don’t have a lot of sympathy for you,” she said. “For one thing, you practically forgot commas exist.”

“ _ That’s _ why she doesn’t have your sympathy?” Chris remarked.

“What? I don’t know the canon or World One, so I kind of have to focus on the presentation!” Ami pointed out. She put her glasses back on.

“Can’t argue with that.”

The scene changed to the Sue’s dining room, where her parents (and her?) were arguing over dinner. Falchion sighed in despair. “Legendaries, that chapter was long. We should probably skip some stuff to save time,” he fumed. “If it’s all gonna be like this…”

“Yeah, I don’t want to see her screwed-up family anymore either,” said Chris, taking the RA out of his bag. He checked the Words to make absolutely sure there weren’t any significant charges. “OK, so, she gets ready to run away from home because reasons, then her psycho mom shows up and… did she just imply her parents are abusive? We didn’t need that! Anyway, our lovely Sue runs off to a park somewhere, angsts, takes off again, literally, and we meet her best friend, Miguel. I’ll see if I can portal us to that part.”

“As long as we don’t get caught by another scene shift, I’m game for that,” said Falchion. “Let’s get to it.”

Chris set the RA to “Home in on Sue” and opened the portal to a few paragraphs later. “By the way, what are ‘gens’?” he asked once they’d landed. “Is that some kind of rating scale?”

Falchion clicked his beak authoritatively. “The term ‘Gen’ is short for ‘Generation’, which refers to the new Pokémon discovered-slash-games released every few years. There are six of them right now, spanning from 1995 to our relative present. ‘Gen II-era Johto’, where you’re from, specifically refers to the Johto region as it appeared in the Gold, Silver, and Crystal version games; 2000 through 2002 and a bit of 2003. I assume they told you all about HeartGold and SoulSilver?”

“Mm-hmm. That was  _ so weird _ … but kind of cool, too. Is this fic in Gen II as well?”

“Good question, Chris, and the answer is ‘only technically, thank Whoever,’” Falchion replied, preening idly. “I would highly recommend checking out the games starting from Gen III. If you’re going to tackle more Pokémon fics like this one in the future, you’ll need to know a lot of new stuff.”

“So I’ve gathered.”

Meanwhile, the Sue had bawled her eyes out into Miguel’s shirt and explained the entire sequence of events. “I almost feel sorry for her,” Ami remarked. “Poor girl just wants her life to be normal and make sense, but then all this drama happened.”

“Only you, Ami,” Chris sighed. “Only you.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing!”

> “Miguel, could I stay the night here, just for today.” I asked a little pleadingly.
> 
> “Sure thing, I don’t mind Tasha. You can sleep on the fold-out bed downstairs. If you need anything more just holler.”
> 
> “Thanks! I really appreciate this, Miguel.”
> 
> Once the covers were set I yawned only now realizing that I was very tired. At that moment everything just hit me all at once. From the moment I awoke looking like Mew nothing in my life would ever be the same.
> 
> “You should get some rest. Okay. See you in the morning. Sleep well.”

Chris somehow managed to do a spit take without having drunk anything beforehand. “Bleack! Pthooey! Worst…aftertaste… _ ever! _ What is this, sand?”

Falchion blinked a few times, and then his eyes bugged out. “I’ve heard of this before… it sounds like the fake sugar effect. The term apparently refers to cliché sweetness, but I haven’t actually witnessed it in badfic until now.”

The mere fact that fake sugar existed stunned both Chris and Ami into silence. “ … that is  _ definitely _ a charge,” Ami said after a while.

“Making us taste fake sugar or cliché dialogue? Either way, I agree,” Chris nodded. “So, what’s after this?”

“There’s another stupid dream and then this chapter is done,” said Falchion. “Let’s see what it has to offer.”

The other two agents nodded, and the three of them opened up another portal and headed off. Chris bristled when the Sue revealed that her dream was a carbon copy of Mewtwo's from one of the movies, but for the most part, they were silent.

> She said she had found something and wanted me to have a look at it. We were heading into a jungle and finally Mew had stopped. I floated to Mew’s side and looked at what she had seen.

“Mew is gender-neutral, you twit,” Falchion huffed.

> I gasped. It! Was it even a pokemon at all? The creature was unconscious or at least that is what I perceived. If it was awake then it gave no move to show that it was alive or a threat.
> 
> It looked like a grass type but its wings said otherwise. It was green almost all over but had a much lighter green in what looked like a protruding hairstyle. Thin antenna was also a very light green but tipped with a sky blue color. Large black spots indicated where it’s eyes were.
> 
> Slowly it opened it’s eye’s and looked at us. Its eyes were almost as blue as my own Mew eyes. To my surprise it pointed at me.
> 
> “You do not belong here.”
> 
> The pokemon faded and so was everything else.

Ami blinked at the spot where the unknown Pokémon had vanished, and asked blankly, “What just happened?”

Falchion and Chris looked at each other at the same time. “Was that… Was the author trying to describe Celebi?” the Fearow asked in surprise.

“I think so,” said Chris. “I only ever saw pictures of Celebi, but what we saw looked right. And sounded right.”

“Sounded right?” Ami echoed.

“All the stories I’ve read say that Celebi time travels and can rejuvenate forests just by visiting them,” Chris explained. “Sort of like how Meganium’s breath revives dead plants, but on a  _ much _ larger scale. If any legendary would be able to tell that something had gone wrong with the world or time, it would be Celebi.”

Falchion nodded. “Right on all counts, newbie. And since Celebi is a legendary from the  _ Gold _ and  _ Silver _ generation, we won’t need to charge for its appearance.”

> _ End chapter notes. _
> 
> Well I tried to fix what I could and make this story a little more enjoyable. 

“No you didn’t, you liar,” Chris snarked.

I hope everyone will continue reading this story as I have. I have found that after so long in not looking at this story I realize that it needed a little bit more work. With time comes a fresh eye to see what was wrong from the beginning.

“Well, thank the Princesses we’re not seeing the original edit, then,” Ami retorted.

“She has a point, though,” said Falchion. “If you look back at your old stories after a few years, you often start seeing how flawed they are and learn from what you did wrong, like my own author did. It’s why my first mission tackled a fic he’d written himself. Pity that this doesn’t apply here.”

“Indeed,” said Chris. “Anything we need to see in the next chapter, Falchion?”

He checked the Words. “Hmm…nope. Not unless you want to hear Miguel’s cat — yes, really — monologue about her past. Oh, and he’s implied to have Celebi powers now because he had the same dream that Natasha did.”

Chris scowled at Natasha and opened a portal to the start of Chapter 4. “Overachiever.”

“I’ll say. The Sue gave Celebi both Dialga’s and Palkia’s abilities.”

“Who and what now?” the others asked.

“Long story, I’ll explain later. New chapter ahoy!”

> The Day I Became Mew
> 
> More Clue’s and a Friendly Face
> 
> I guess the morning would be like any other morning but for one problem. My pillow was on fire and so was my hair. Jumping out of bed I quickly rolled on the floor to snuff the flames out. To no evail, the flames kept burning. Getting off of the floor I ran to the bathroom. After turning the shower on I put my head in the shower..
> 
> “AAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhaaaaaaa!” I screamed. The water felt like acid. I jumped back and glanced in the mirror over the sink.
> 
> My yellow and brown hair was still there but was in fact not burning at all. It was as if the fire was part of me. The flames didn’t even burn my hand as I tried to touch my hair. What was happening to me? To my surprise I got a flashback.

Falchion’s beak fell open in horror. “There are  _ more _ of these things?!”

Before the others could respond, they were all yanked backwards into a flashback, which briefly described the Sue asking the new character, Brenda, about what Pokémon she wanted to be. The latter responded with Rapidash before the agents were yanked back to the present, and  _ then  _ back to the vicinity of the Sue.

“Can I be vulgar for a minute?” Chris asked Falchion. 

“Uh, sure,” the bird replied warily. Chris had a look in his eyes that reminded Falchion of Rashida before she exploded.

“That was a  **steaming pile of Tauros shit!!** ” he yelled. Ami promptly hid behind a generic tree. “You cannot set up somebody’s transformation via a stupid-ass flashback when literally every other affected character had a dream about their new powers! If you can’t be bothered to follow canon, at least follow  **_your own Beasts-forsaken rules!_ ** **”**

“You tell me!” Falchion squawked, cringing at the sight of Brenda’s flaming hair. “What’s next, another character turning into an Electric-type? Like a Raikou, or a Magnezone, or a…”

“ _ Maaaaareep! _ ” something bleated innocently behind them.

The three agents turned (and Ami came out from behind the tree) to see a sheep-like Pokémon with fluffy cream-colored wool, a bare, blue head, and similarly-colored legs. Its conical ears and tail had yellow and black stripes, and an orange sphere at the end of its tail glowed like a lightbulb.

“Awww!” Ami cooed. “It’s so  _ cute _ ! C’mere, little guy!” She ran up to give it a hug; the experience was a bit…  _ shocking _ . “Yeowch! Or…not. I guess I’ll be content with not.”

“Rule of thumb in the PPC; never trust anything cute,” Falchion remarked with a smirk.

“Where’d this Mareep come from?” Chris wondered. “The story doesn’t mention it…”

“Mareep,” Ami repeated to herself. “What region is it from and what can it do?”

“Mareep are native to Johto,” he explained. “Mareep evolves into Flaaffy at level 15, and then into Ampharos at level 30. It was able to shock you because its wool stores static electricity.”

The Mareep trotted up to Falchion and attempted to nuzzle him. Being a Flying-type, he reacted appropriately to this event. “Aaah! No! Get away from meeeee!”

“ _ Mareeeep? _ ” it bleated.

Luckily, the Sue was too busy describing her guilt over the loss of her friend’s cat (which might or might not have been her fault) to notice as the Fearow scrambled to hide behind the others. The Mareep looked confused in a uniquely sheep-like way.

“So, if this Mareep wasn’t mentioned by the Words, where did it come from?” Chris asked again.

Falchion stuck his head out from behind the others to look at the Wool Pokémon again, and stood up a little straighter. “Oh.  _ Ohhhh _ . I think I know.”

The others looked at him. “What?” asked Ami.

“I got a Mareep as a welcoming gift when I joined the PPC,” the disguised Skarmory explained hastily. “My partner didn’t want it and I’m weak to Electric-types, so we had no idea what to do with it. It must’ve followed us all the way here.”

“Well, we can’t just abandon the little guy to the badfic,” said Chris. “I guess it’ll have to come with us for now.”

“Sure, sure. As long as you keep it away from me!”

Ami giggled. “Since when were you afraid of sheep, Falchion?”

“Since now,” he replied dryly.

> DING-DONG!
> 
> Miguel ran to the door. At the same time he jumped in the air. Looking in front of my friend I saw, Brenda. Her hair was on fire, and she was grinning from ear to ear.
> 
> “Hye guys! Like my hairstyle?!” Still grinning she came inside.

“She really knows how to light up a room, doesn’t she?” Ami said.

“Of course she does, she… oh.” Chris groaned. “That was a Gym Leader-level pun right there.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Sometimes it is. Sometimes, though, Gym Leader puns just backfire.” A pause. “That was unintentional. I swear.”

“I’m impressed,” Falchion smiled. “Best I could come up with on short notice is that she’s  _ fired _ up. Heh. Anyway, before we start a pun war, this chapter burns out right after this. Let’s get to the next one — things are  _ really _ going to heat up from here on out.”

Chris pinched the bridge of his nose. He smiled, though, so the chain of fire puns must have been all right by him. “You two…”

> “Soo! What are you saying?” Brenda asked.
> 
> “All I’m saying is that something weird is going to happen and we might be the only ones who can stop it. I mean lately, people don’t just wake up and look like their favorite pokemon. Come on, sheesh!” I answered.

“Something weird is  _ already _ happening!” said Ami. “Props for calling it out, though. And how could you assume that you’re the only people who can handle it?!”

“Because they’re Speshul,” Chris replied bitterly.

“I’ll be honest with you, Chris — you remind me a bit of my own partner,” said Falchion. “She’s also quite hard-headed (no offense) but responsible. Except Rashida is a mythical creature from Arceus knows what continuum, maybe not even a canonical one. A Sphinx, I believe.”

“A sphinx?” Ami echoed. “I…don’t think I know what that is.”

“It’s Sphinx with a capital S where she’s from, and for Chris’s sake, if you want to know what she’s like, imagine a Persian with Pidgeot wings and the head of a woman. That’s her, basically.”

“Sounds esoteric. How hard was she on you during your first mission?” asked Chris.

“…Very.”

“Very, as in…?”

“Put it this way; she got a heart attack and then tried to maul me to death because I didn’t warn her about the gruesome death of one of the Character Replacements we were supposed to kill.”

Neither of them had an answer to that.

> Kitty was glowing a bright light and was now getting bigger. What the light revealed was a very large Persian. A Persian that could talk…
> 
> “Hello!” Kitty talked.
> 
> Everyone was shocked. Brenda fell over Anime style. Miguel’s eyes bugged out of his head. As for me I was the complete duplicate to the way Miguel looked at Kitty.

The Sue momentarily transformed into an exact copy of Miguel, as though she had used Transform. Meanwhile, the agents also face faulted (the technical term for “anime fall”) at Kitty’s sudden fluency in English, though for a different reason.

“Wait a minute, Kitty was dead last chapter! How did she come back to life??” Ami demanded of the story.

“The same way she transformed into a Persian,” Chris snarked. “The plot said so.” 

“You’d think Miguel would slap her upside the head and scream at her for seeing him naked who knows how many times,” said Falchion. “At least that would’ve been funny. And probably in character.”

“Funny in what sense?” asked Ami. “All the animals in my show are about as smart as ponies, though most don’t talk. And we don’t normally wear clothes, either, except on special occasions like the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“It’s a childhood fear of sorts, from what I’ve heard,” said Falchion. “Your pets — and Pokémon — often witness your most private and intimate moments. How would you feel if they revealed that they knew all about them the whole time?”

Chris and Ami both cringed, and then burst out laughing.

“Exactly,” said Falchion, rolling his head at the two of them. “We can charge for failing to properly handle the ramifications of the Cute Animal Friend becoming semi-sapient… Oh.  _ Major _ uh-oh there.”

The other two agents stopped laughing immediately as they saw what was happening.

> Miguel and I watched as Brenda became a fully grown Rapidash. She stood taller then any of us. Her mane flickered as it was made of flame. Her tail which was also made of flame seem to flicker uncontrollably. All of the sudden the television went on.
> 
> Looking over we watched as Kitty flipped the channels till she got to the news channel. That is when we all got the next biggest surprise of the day.
> 
> “Local officials are baffled as creatures like the cartoon Pokemon run rampant around the city. Citizens are encouraged to stay calm at this time till the president can come up with a solution. Now back to you Greg on the report of local weather.....” Brenda laughed but to anyone who didn’t know Pokemon speech it came out as a Horse nicker.
> 
> “Miguel, what do you think we should do?” Brenda asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Falchion grumbled. “Use them as target practice for EV grinding? I would…”

“That makes two of us,” said Chris, who had a vague idea what EV grinding was.

Mareep bleated affirmatively.

And then things went even further downhill — the Sue’s parents walked in on her and her friends, which would have been awkward if it weren’t for the fact that they had  _ also _ transformed into Pokémon. The Sue’s father was a Mewtwo, and her mother was a Mew. (Never mind the fact that Mewtwo was a  _ modified clone _ of Mew, and both were unique, of course…)

Only the Words didn’t capitalize the two species, which led to two more mini-Missingnos showing up and joining the others.

“ _ More _ of them?! What do we do now?!” Ami cried, panicking slightly.

“I have no idea,” said Chris. “I’m not familiar with Pokémon shapeshifters!”

“One of my friends is,” said Falchion. “Well,  _ was _ . It’s a long and sad story. But yeah, I’m with you there. The only shapeshifting I usually deal with is when I’m disguised as a human!”

The Sue was scanned by a Pokédex, and the information turned up in the Words as yet another mini-Missingno, pokedex, joined the small army of minis. Not only did the machine register more than four attacks in her moveset, but her stats were  _ vastly _ underleveled. (Assuming the Sue started out at level one; the narrative wasn’t clear on that fact.)

“Mew’s base stats are all 100!” cried Falchion. “I know she’s only just starting out, but Bird Jesus, this is ridiculous!”

Ami, Chris, and the Mareep all looked at him with confused expressions.

The Skarmory-turned-Fearow sighed in frustration. “Look up Twitch Plays Pokémon sometime. Seriously. You’ll understand everything.”

“…Don’t we have bigger problems right now?” Chris indicated the drama playing out nearby.

> “Hey, Brenda and Miguel! Do you think you’ll be okay till we meet again?” I asked them.
> 
> “Sure we’ll be fine. It’s too bad that you can’t stay longer but then that isn’t for me to decide. It’s not your fault anyway.” Miguel hinted.
> 
> He was trying so hard to get my parents to let me stay for a little longer that he didn’t notice that my father’s eyes had started to glow with a mischievous light.
> 
> “Dad! No! Stop!” My father laughed and the light dissipated. He smiled then as he only hinted that he was stronger then even I was. For I knew he could be beyond level one hundred.

“Great,” said Falchion. “Now we’ve got Suvian parents to deal with, too.”

“And she’s leaving Brenda and Miguel behind,” added Ami. “Should we do something with them now?”

“Hmmmm… If the Sue is leaving them, there may be a possibility that they’re now unconstrained from the badfic,” the disguised Skarmory mused aloud. “Perhaps we can talk to them.”

“Maybe,” Chris agreed. “They may have made some writing mistakes, but I don’t think it’s their fault specifically. We’ll have to kill the Sue before the fic picks them up again, though.”

“Yeah, the whole fic might go down the drain by the time it does if we don’t get them,” said Ami. “Do we move in during the next chapter?”

“That sounds reasonable,” said Chris. “But we’ll have to check what happens next, just to be sure.”

Falchion stared thoughtfully at Miguel and Brenda, who were still waving goodbye as the Sue rode away in her father’s car. “I have an idea,” he alerted Chris and Ami. He walked up behind Miguel and pecked him on the butt.

“Yeow!” cried the humanized Celebi, whirling to face him (as did now-human Brenda). “What the — ”

“Am I interrupting anything?” asked Falchion. Behind him, Chris, Mareep, and Ami all landed on their butts in disbelief.

“Uh… no?” said Brenda. “We were just seeing Tasha off. We don’t know where she’s headed, but maybe…”

“Hold that thought,” Falchion interjected. He fished the Character Analysis Device out of his Bag of Holding and pointed it at Miguel, Kitty, and Brenda in turn.

**[Miguel. Male human/Celebi. Non-canon. Original character/Gary Stu.]**

**[Kitty. Female cat/Persian. Non-canon. Cute Animal Friend.]**

**[Brenda. Female human/Rapidash. Non-canon. Original character/Mary Sue.]**

“Um, what? What did you just point at us?” asked Miguel. (The fact that a Fearow was not only speaking English but able to operate machinery didn’t faze him. Falchion chalked it up to Kitty’s transformation.)

“It’s a long story,” said Falchion. “But first things first. Miguel and Brenda, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are convicted of being a Gary Stu and a Mary Sue, respectively, on account of the following charges: Being accomplices of a higher-level wangsty Mary Sue, gaining the powers and alternate forms of Pokémon because of sharing dreams with said Sue, and failing to properly handle the prospect and ramifications of a Cute Animal Friend — to wit, Miguel’s cat-slash-Persian — becoming semi-sapient and learning English. Miguel, you’re additionally charged with making us” — here he indicated Chris and Ami with one wing — “taste fake sugar via cliché dialogue and having uncanonical powers; Celebi  _ travels _ through time instead of controlling it, and it doesn’t control space either. Brenda, your additional charges are adjusting to your transformation too quickly and having flaming hair  _ prior  _ to said transformation. I thought side effects usually started turning up after the fact.”

“But I  _ like  _ my fire hair!” Brenda whined.

“Yeah, we know. Anyway, normally, we kill off Suvian characters like you, but you two haven’t committed any truly serious faults of your own as far as I know, save for Brenda’s power as the plot demands, so to speak. So, your punishment is either community service or getting de-powered and returned home without ever knowing what happened. If you want to keep whatever powers you have, you’ll have no choice but to join the PPC.”

“The what?” asked Miguel.

Ami and Chris joined the group just then, with the Mareep at their heels. “The short version is that this is only one of several universes, all of which people write stories about,” Chris explained. “Since we can’t all be amazing storytellers, sometimes the stories are badly written with terrible characters. Our job is to get rid of said characters.”

“And I’m sorry to say that Tasha and her family are among that category,” added Falchion.

Miguel’s eyes widened in shock. “She’s… what?”

“Think about it,” said Ami. “If such powerful and talented people are allowed to run around freely in this world, what would happen? There’d be panic everywhere, that’s what. Any vastly overpowered character who could theoretically take out an army would be a threat on a national scale, never mind a whole herd of them!”

“You two aren’t the worst we’ve seen in this story, don’t worry,” Falchion interjected. “But if you choose to keep your abilities, you can’t stay.”

Miguel and Brenda looked at each other, wondering whether they should join the agents. They made their decision relatively quickly. “All right, we’ll help,” said Miguel. “But is killing Tasha really the answer?”

“It’s the only answer,” Chris replied sadly. “Otherwise, she’ll throw everything off balance and take you two down with her. And that goes double for her father.”

The Mareep snuggled up to Chris’s leg with an expression of concern. He felt a static tingle, but he didn’t seem to care.

The two bit characters looked at each other with grim realization. “I am  _ so _ going to regret this,” said Brenda, “but we’re going to have to do it anyway. Let’s roll!”

“Wait, what about Kitty?” Miguel asked. “The way you said ‘cat-slash-Persian’ made it sound like she wasn’t supposed to exist either. I don’t want my cat to die again!”

“And she won’t,” Chris promised. “We don’t know how we’re going to handle Kitty’s…condition yet, but killing her is definitely off the table.”

“We’re not sure if she’s going to stay as a Persian,” said Falchion. “But since you two look like you’re going to keep your Pokémon forms, the same would likely apply to Kitty. She probably won’t talk by the time we’re done, though.”

Brenda snorted impatiently. “Good to know. Now, if we’re going to kill my friend, can we do it sooner rather than later?”

“Tasha is  _ not _ your friend,” said Falchion. “Not anymore. But how do we catch up with her? She’s probably long gone into the next chapter by now!”

Brenda thought about it for a moment, and then smiled. “I think I have an idea. But I guess I should ask first… Do any of you have fireproof pants?”

 

* * *

 

> I had already turned around in my seat of the car ride home bound but I still could not shake the odd feeling that something was up. By the time we did reach home I was hungry and very curious to know what my parents had planned for me. I just hoped that it was not a shrink because in a way they had said something about that a few years ago. It sort of worried me a little.
> 
> Getting out of the car I noticed a Pikachu was sleeping on the mat before the entrance of the house. As we approached the Pikachu woke up and ran up to my father and started yelling like there was no tomorrow. He didn’t like that my father had run off without a word leaving all the clones to fend for themselves.
> 
> The Clones! I was looking at my father in a whole new light now. The question was there. Was my father the original clone Mewtwo of Team Rocket?
> 
> Wouldn't that make me a member of Team Rocket? There was only one way to find out and that was to ask.

As the Sue and her parents entered the house, neither of them noticed a Rapidash, a Mareep, a Persian, and a Fearow approaching their backyard. Brenda stopped at the front lawn, with Chris and Miguel dismounting (“I’ve heard of being saddlesore, but this is ridiculous,” the latter griped, still trailing smoke from his pants), and started idly grazing while Falchion, who had been carrying Ami, dropped her next to them and landed.

“That took less time than I thought,” Chris noted, pleased. “I didn’t expect the Sue to come back…  _ Lugia’s tail-spikes! Did they  _ **_seriously_ ** _ just — ?! _ ”

Indeed, the Sue’s parents were now explaining to her that they were (supposedly) the original Mewtwo and Mew from  _ Mewtwo Strikes Back. _

The agents stared up at the Words in a mixture of horror and righteous fury. Miguel and Brenda had no idea what the others were doing, but decided that whatever had irked them couldn’t have been good.

Brenda suddenly snapped her head up, tossing her mane and spitting out mouthfuls of spiky green leaves. “Wait a minute — this is grass! I’ve been eating _grass!_ ”

“Well, you are a type of horse,” Ami deadpanned. “Trust me, I know what I’m talking about when I say that stuff’s good for you now.” She raised her hand to her forehead and pointed her index finger in a manner suggesting a unicorn’s horn.

“Wait — you’re a Rapidash too?” asked Brenda, swishing her tail curiously.

“Nah, just a normal-ish unicorn pony. I’ll explain when we get back.”

“For now, to elaborate on what we got so mad about,” said Falchion, noting Miguel’s confused look, “Tasha’s parents just stated that they are  _ the _ actual Mewtwo and Mew from the first  _ Pokémon  _ movie, which is  _ not _ true. Both legendaries are genderless and there was no hint at any romance between them in canon!”

“So they’re imposters?” asked Miguel, stroking Kitty’s head.

“Character Replacements,” Ami clarified. “The real Mewtwo and Mew are trapped in these strange phenomena known as plotholes. We’ll have to find them after we get rid of Tasha and her family.”

Brenda pawed at the ground indecisively. “So, what’s going to happen now?”

“We’ll have to follow them before things start escalating,” said Falchion. “The scene after this one concerns the Sue picking out her…” He shuddered and covered his face with his wings, the way a World One black egret would do when hunting for fish. “…starter Pokémon.”

“I know I already ranted about this, but why does she need a starter?!” Chris spat indignantly. “She’s already overpowered and a freaking legendary to boot! A starter would be useless to her!”

“She’s vastly underleveled, though,” Miguel pointed out. “We all read her stats, and they’re supposed to start out at 100.”

“We know,” said Chris and Falchion simultaneously.

They waited with bated breath, observing the Words as they described the Sue being led into a cave beneath her basement. And then…

> Looking around the cavern I noticed that there was also legendary pokemon sleeping as well. Lugia was half in and half out of the water. HoOh lit up part of the cave even though it was asleep. The legendary dogs were also asleep for they were huddled against on another for warmth. There were pokemon everywhere.
> 
> Going from group to group I thought of an idea. I decided that I should pick at least one type of pokemon. At that thought I saw cyndaquil sleeping next to Zapdos, Articuno and Moltres. I decided on waking up cyndaquil, zapdos and articuno.
> 
> I shook them awake. They each opened their eye’s as if they were coming out of a long slumber. Well actually they were coming out of it. 
> 
> Articuno and Zapdos looked at me and bowed their heads in acceptance of me as their trainer. Cyndaquil stood up and looked at me and then nodded his head.
> 
> "They have accepted you as their trainer." My mom handed me three black pokeballs. I went up to each pokemon and they touched the button that would suck them into the pokeball.

Four more mini-Missingno — HoOh, cyndaquil, zapdos, and articuno — showed up, startling Miguel and Brenda. The agents, meanwhile, started feeling sick. But before they could react to the Words… 

> ~Flashback End~

… everyone was yanked back by an invisible force. Brenda reared up in fright — it was lucky that nobody was on her at the time — and Kitty arched her back and hissed, her hackles up.

A moment later, they were all standing outside an apartment complex.

“What the heck? I thought Tasha lived in a house!” Brenda cried, having phased back into her human form to avoid toppling over, and ended up on her back anyway. “You know, like Miguel does!”

“The Words never once said anything about it,” said Ami. “You’d think they’d have described her home sooner…”

“We have to move,” said Falchion. “The Sue’s about to start her journey to who knows where. Other badly-written characters will spawn while she travels — we’ll have to prevent her from going anywhere to salvage the situation!”

“Yeah, but… how?” asked Miguel.

Falchion ruffled his wings and smiled proudly. “The only way we can — a Pokémon battle!”

> I checked my bag one more time to see if I had everything. I even checked to make sure that my belt that held my three starters was secure. Turns out I had everything I needed even pokefood that my mom had stowed away in the refrigerator. Before long I realized that I was ready. Though I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever see any of my friends along the way.
> 
> No sooner was I done when my mom ushered me out the door. We said our goodbyes and I found myself walking. Walking to where, I did not know. I did know one thing and that was I was going to have to go through the wood if I wanted to capture more pokemon.
> 
> 'The road may be long but as long as we believe in each other we would make it to the top of the world.'

She didn’t get that far. She had only made it about a mile when she suddenly heard hoofbeats, and next moment, she saw a group of people and Pokémon blocking her path.

Among them was a Rapidash with a rider, a Persian, and…

“M-Miguel?!” she cried.

“We need to talk, Tasha,” he responded. Kitty growled her agreement.

“And in the Pokémon games, you know what that means,” said the black-haired young man sitting on the back of the Rapidash.

Natasha looked at the two of them in confusion. “My first trainer battle? B-but… I haven’t trained my pokemon yet!”

“A minor setback,” said the curly-haired woman at Miguel’s other side. “Chris, the charge list.”

Chris dismounted and flipped back to the first page of the notebook. “Listen up, ‘cause I’m not repeating myself,” he began. “Natasha, a.k.a. Mew, you are hereby charged with and convicted of the following crimes: Receiving Mew’s power when you are neither purehearted nor in the same universe as it, literally godplaying due to the first item, being able to learn more than four moves at a time, learning said moves too quickly for a human who just got psychic powers, disorienting PPC Agents via reckless and terrible formatting changes, confusing dream sequences including one lifted from a movie, claiming to have revised the story and made it more enjoyable when you clearly didn’t, spawning multiple mini-Missingno through your bad spelling — ”

All of them began swarming her at once, even the ones that were just floating clumps of pixels. “Mommy, Mommy!” they rasped. “Play with us, Mommy!”

“Ahhhhh! Get away, get away!” she shouted. No matter how often she swatted them, they always came back.

“Thanks, guys. Anyway… General grammar fails including tense switches and woeful neglect of the common comma, causing time distortions, misrepresenting Mew’s physiology and movepool, not having the correct base stats for your species, creating a Pokémon move that replaces a canonical move, namely, ‘psych-heal’ and Recover, _choosing_ _two legendary Pokémon as your starters_ , having multiple legendary Pokémon readily available and more than one starter in the first place, possibly causing your best friend’s cat to die offscreen, failing to describe your surroundings and _literally everyone’s_ appearance adequately, having a basement way too big for any apartment complex ever, gratuitous wangst over your sad little life — ”

“It was not gratuitous it was justified!” Natasha protested. 

“Derailing the main plot to kvetch about your family isn’t justified,” Falchion deadpanned. He flicked his beak at Chris, who closed the notebook. “You are further charged with claiming to be the daughter of the canonical Mewtwo and Mew, both of whom you also character replaced, indirectly resurrecting Kitty and transforming her but not handling the implications of such correctly, having a functional Pokédex and  _ probably _ Dark Balls from movie 4 in World One, and being a Mary Sue. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“You forgot ‘bringing up a great historical tragedy solely to wangst about the universe’s bad timing,’” Ami put in. 

“That too. Arceus’s majestic hat-hair, what were you thinking?  _ Were _ you thinking?”

“Miguel, Brenda, back me up here!” the Sue cried, panicking. “I never wanted all that other stuff to happen! I didn’t plan the cavern with teh legendaries or my dad going all Team Rocket on you or  _ anything! _ All I wanted was to have a better life! You’re my friends; you believe me right?”

“What kind of friend lets things get to this level and transforms her friend into a flaming unicorn, huh?” Brenda countered. “Not one of  _ my _ friends!”

Miguel shook his head. “You may not have planned it, but you let it happen. And you dragged us into all this drama when we never wanted it, either. I’m sorry, Tasha.”

The Sue went pale and dropped to the ground. Ami walked over, knelt, and put an arm across her shoulders. “I understand wanting to have a better life,” she said gently. “Really, I do. But you went about achieving your goal the wrong way. You hurt a lot of people who don’t all know how to deal with what hurt them. My friends and I are going to set things right now. I promise that when we’re done, it’ll be like the whole thing never happened.”

Falchion nodded and smiled. “Well said, Ami. Now, you said you wanted to do the honors, right?”

“Yeah, but…I actually have no idea what we should do to her,” she replied sheepishly.

“I do,” said Chris. “Hey, Falchion, remember what happened to Cinnabar Island?”

The disguised Skarmory looked a little confused, but his beak fell open when he understood what Chris was referencing. “You’re not seriously suggesting we do…  _ that _ , are you?”

“I’m open to alternatives,” Chris shrugged. “No, really. If you know someplace else that’s just as dangerous as Cinnabar, tell me how to get there.”

“Why was your first idea death by lava?!” Falchion squawked. “We’re supposed to bring the crash dummies back intact, or failing that in a fixable state!”

“Crash dummies?” Brenda echoed. “Wait, are you saying Tasha isn’t even real?”

“Uh…sort of?” Chris hedged.

The Sue whimpered fearfully. Falchion looked at her, thinking about what to do, when a thought occurred to him. “I have a better idea. Same place, different time period, more irony.”

Chris looked at him. “Does your idea involve Mewtwo’s epic Pokémon Mansion-destroying freakout?”

“…Maaaaaybe.” Falchion looked around innocently, which of course made him look quite guilty. 

Mareep, who had been quietly eating grass the whole time, lifted its head and trotted over to Miguel. It nuzzled Miguel’s leg and bleated cutely.

“Oh. Hi there, little guy,” Miguel smiled, reaching down to pat Mareep’s head. 

“Well, then we’d have the same problem,” Chris noted. “The dummy’s gonna be mangled beyond recognition from the shrapnel. Or just turned into fluffy beige confetti by Mewtwo’s powers.”

“Geez, your ‘verse is dangerous,” Ami commented. 

“All that stuff is backstory. Really, Pokémon’s only life-threatening if you think about it too hard,” Brenda joked.

“At least it won’t be  _ completely _ destroyed,” Falchion replied, shrugging. “Besides, there’s nothing else we can do with her by this point. Once we know she’s gone, we’ll get the thing out of there, and I’ll pay for the repairs when we’re back at HQ.”

“Wait a minute! I thought you said you were going to fix everything!” Natasha protested.

Chris smiled coldly. “Oh, we are. We just can’t do it while you’re alive.”

The Sue looked at her friends (and Ami) with her best kicked-puppy face, but there was nothing anyone could do for her now.

“Spare me the theatrics,” Chris grumbled. He opened a portal to Cinnabar Island. “Enjoy your vacation!”

With that, he pushed her screaming through the portal and onto the Pokémon Mansion’s front doorstep… which happened to be occupied by one  _ extremely _ angry Mewtwo.

 

* * *

 

Ten minutes later, Falchion retrieved the broken crash test dummy, which had been pierced by several pieces of steel girder and one floorboard through its heart. Both Chris and Ami looked at the broken dummy with dismal expressions.

“Like I said, I’ll pay for the repairs,” the disguised Skarmory said with a grim expression. “First off, though, we have one more Sue and Stu to take care of.”

“And those are…?” asked Miguel.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Falchion asked, wishing his facial muscles would have allowed him to raise an eyebrow.

“Natasha’s parents,” Ami clarified when neither Miguel nor Brenda seemed to get it. She picked up the dummy and draped it over her shoulders. “Oof! This thing’s heavier than it looks…”

“Oh,  _ those _ maniacs,” said Brenda. “They could take it up with my horn for all I care!”

“Use your hooves instead,” Chris advised. “I heard that Ponyta hooves are ten times harder than diamond; imagine how dense a Rapidash’s are.”

“Again, I have a better idea,” said Falchion. “But since these two require complete disposal,  _ this _ one may involve a little looking ahead. Unfortunately, since all of you are from the Gold and Silver era, the Ruby and Sapphire games would be unheard of to you guys. Yet. Chris, may I have the RA? You know, for when we get to them?”

Chris passed the device to Falchion. “How are you going to operate it with just your beak?”

“Very carefully,” Falchion chirped. “We’ll have to get back to Tasha’s place, though, so let’s try that first…”

The process wasn’t as easy as he thought, as though he wasn’t exactly incompetent, his needle-pointed beak tip resulted in a hard time pressing the keys. But after a few minutes of this, he squawked, “Ah! There we go!”

He’d done it right; the Sue’s apartment complex was clearly visible through the portal. 

“Miguel, would you mind carrying Mareep this time?” Ami asked.

“Not at all,” he smiled. He bent down, grabbed Mareep around the middle, and stood back up, ignoring the static jolts from Mareep’s wool.

The group stepped through the portal, just in time for Natasha’s parents to walk in. After a brief standoff, Natasha’s father spoke up.

“What are you doing in our apartment?!”

Falchion clicked his beak impatiently. “Justice wanted us to stop by and say hello. Chris?”

“Both of you are hereby charged with and convicted of the following crimes: keeping multiple legendary Pokémon hostage in your basement, aiding and abetting a Mary Sue, namely your daughter, threatening your daughter with violence, being generically evil/dysfunctional parents, creating a romantic relationship between Mew and Mewtwo that has no business existing, and being Character Replacements of said legendaries. Any last words?”

Replacement!Mewtwo threw a Shadow Ball at the group, which promptly scattered. “That works,” said cyndaquil.

Falchion instinctively blocked the attack with his large wingspan before tossing the RA to Chris. This would have been a terrible idea had he not been disguised as a Fearow, which was immune to Ghost-type attacks. “Get a portal ready on my signal!” he squawked. “I’ll relay the address to you!”

“What?!” Ami cried out in alarm.

Falchion dived out of the way as another Shadow Ball just barely grazed his cockscomb. “Trust me on this!”

“I’ll hold them off!” Brenda whinnied, rearing and striking at the Replacements with her hooves. “Whatever you’re up to, make it quick!”

She struck out with a Stomp attack at Replacement!Mewtwo, kicking him into the wall behind him, but at the same time, a Shadow Ball caught her in the chest, somehow forced her back into human form, and sent her sprawling. Falchion tried to skewer him with a Drill Peck, but likewise took a Psycho Cut to the face; feathers flew everywhere as he was thrown into a nearby shelf.

“They’re too strong!” Ami cried, just before being thrown aside by a Psychic from Replacement!Mew. “Hurry up and do something before we all die!”

“But these guys have gotta be  _ at least _ level 100!” cried Miguel. “Is there  _ anything _ we can do to even touch them?!”

“Chris! Portal to the Cave of Origin, Hoenn!” Falchion ordered. “Miguel, take us to 100 million BC!”

“B-but I can’t control time!” Miguel stammered, dodging a Swift attack from Replacement!Mew.

“You don’t need to, you just need to get us there! Celebi can time travel, remember?”

Miguel facepalmed. “I knew that! I totally knew that!”

Nervous but willing to try anything to stop the replacements, Chris dialed the destination in question on the RA, and opened their biggest portal yet upon the floor beneath them. Miguel concentrated as hard as he could on the appropriate time period, and everyone held onto him as they fell through. The Replacements floated through after the group, intent on finishing the battle

And they would have succeeded, if the world around them hadn’t changed completely.

The group was standing in the mouth of a large cave on the face of a seaside cliff. Two enormous Pokémon loomed on either side of them: on the cliff above them, a huge red dinosaur with an armored spiked body, and in the sea below them, an enormous blue whale with a white underbelly, crimson markings, and great wing-like fins.

“Uhhhh… Did I succeed?” asked Miguel, deciding to pass the now thoroughly frightened Mareep back to Chris.

Falchion looked up at the red Pokémon, whose yellow eyes (and black markings) were glowing ominously. “With flying colors,” he said. “Now let’s get the heck outta here!”

“Who are these Pokémon?” asked Replacement!Mew, nervously glancing between the dinosaur and the whale.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” said Falchion evilly. “Tell your daughter that we hate her guts for us, will you?”

With that, Brenda, the agents, and Mareep all grabbed onto Miguel as he time-jumped again, leaving the two bewildered Replacements alone in the prehistoric period. They only had a moment to realize what Falchion had meant before Groudon and Kyogre began their (first) cataclysmic battle, utterly obliterating Natasha’s parents in the crossfire.

 

* * *

 

“Well, that was…somewhat disturbing,” Chris remarked once they were back in the present. “Now we just have to find whatever plotholes the Sue stuffed Mew and Mewtwo in. Miguel, we’re checking your house first.”

“What? Why?” he asked.

“That’s where Kitty came back to life, transformed, and learned English, none of which had any logical reason to happen,” Ami explained.

“Horse-girl broke story worse,” mew (who, like its bigger cousin, was in the shape of a Kabutops skeleton) cut in. “Check her house before fairy-boy.”

“What are you implying, freak?” Miguel and Brenda demanded, glaring at the mini.

mew shrugged. “Just saying truth. By the way, you two freaks. Not me.”

“Knock it off, mew,” Ami scolded.

“The mini has a point. We’ll check both houses for plotholes,” said Falchion. “Wherever we find them,  _ be careful _ . Mewtwo probably won’t react well to a bunch of humans showing up with plans for him. It. Whatever.”

“But none of us are scientists,” Brenda pointed out, being one of the two characters who had seen the first movie besides Falchion. “Miguel, Ami, and I aren’t even trainers! Surely we won’t trigger —”

“Don’t finish that sentence!” Falchion squawked. “And it won’t really matter to him; he associates  _ all _ humans with evil and greed and whatnot. This fic probably took place post-movie, though, so he may not be as outright hateful as he was prior to that whole mess.”

“Thanks for the tip. Are we all ready?” asked Chris, readying the RA. “Portal to Miguel’s house in three…two…one…” A shining blue doorway in the air materialized, opening up to reveal their destination beyond. “Let’s-a go.”

“…seriously?” asked Miguel.

“What? Mario games exist in Johto, I totally had a reason to say that!”

“They do?” Falchion put in, curious. “I thought the only connection those two continua had was via  _ Super Smash Brothers. _ ”

“No, Chris is right,” said Brenda, making her way to the portal. “If you check the Super NES in Copycat’s house in Saffron City, it’ll tell you she has, quote, ‘A game with Mario wearing a bucket on his head!’, unquote. I remember thinking that message was hilarious as a kid. I found out later that it was a reference to this obscure game called  _ Mario & Wario _ .”

Falchion had to smile. “Looks like Tasha could’ve used your knowledge of the games. Actually, she  _ should’ve _ .”

“Based on what you and Chris said to her? Oh, yeah.”

The agents and the bit characters made their way into the house, immediately stumbling upon another, smaller portal and Miguel’s  _ very _ confused mother. “Miguel!” she cried. “W-what’s going on here? What happened to Tasha and Kitty? Who are these others? And —  _ dios mio _ , get that… giant bird out of the living room!”

“The word you’re looking for is ‘Fearow’,” Falchion corrected. “And for the sake of formalities, you are hereby convicted of aiding a Gary Stu, namely your son. Otherwise, though, I think you should be fine.”

Miguel laughed nervously. “ _ Hóla _ , Mom. Kitty should be around here somewhere…”

Indeed she was. HoOh, mewtwo, zapdos, and pokedex were getting her to attack them, then laughing when her paws went through their bodies. The Persian looked up and  _ mrow _ -ed curiously, then dashed to Miguel’s mother and nuzzled her leg.

The woman looked completely lost for words. “Tasha and her family are, unfortunately, no longer with us. Also, since you’re a bit character without too much development, would you be okay with being assimilated back into World One?” Falchion continued.

“…what?”

Ami facepalmed. “Way to be blunt, Falchion.”

“Miguel has to be taken far away from here for his own safety,” the Fearow explained. “He’ll be in good hands — and he may visit you sometime soon. Incidentally, would you mind telling me your last name? If there are any others named Miguel where your son’s going, I don’t want him to be confused with them.”

“…It’s Correa,” said Miguel’s mother. “And I take it you’re all adults, so you can call me Diane. Are you sure my boy’s going to be safe? I know he has powers like I do, but…”

“Wait, you have Celebi powers too?” Chris asked, honestly surprised. “When did that happen?”

“Just after that news report,” Mrs. Correa explained. “I felt something strange happen to me and my skin turned slightly green. It felt like I was travelling through time for a moment…”

“If you have powers too, you should come with us,” Ami declared. “You don’t have to do the same thing Miguel will. I’m sure there are less… erm… dangerous alternatives.”

“I can take care of myself, Mom,” Miguel said upon noticing his mother’s horrified expression. “There may be children who need care where we’re going, though. They could use someone like you.”

“Uh, guys?” asked Brenda, who had been looking into the plothole. “Are we gonna do anything about these two?”

“These two” turned out to be a curious if slightly skinny Mew and a very,  _ very _ Not Amused Mewtwo. “Oh, dear,” Ami understated.

Diane caught a glimpse of the plothole and shouted something alarmed in Spanish. 

“Mom wants to know what we’re going to do with these guys,” Miguel translated.

“We have to return them to their home period and place,” said Falchion. “I remember Mewtwo setting up shop in Mount Quena after the events of the first movie.”

“Mount where? No, no, I heard a rumor Mewtwo was holed up near Cerulean City,” Chris remarked.

“Well, he was, but this takes place within the anime-verse if mention of the first movie is to be believed. So… maybe?”

“Guys, let me talk to them,” Miguel offered. “I’m technically a legendary, so they’ll listen to me.” He stuck his head in the plothole. “Hello, Mew, Mewtwo. Uh…we come in peace?”

<Very funny, human,> Mewtwo grumbled. He teleported out of the plothole to properly regard his surroundings. <What is the meaning of this? Where are we, and who are you?>

Mew flew out of the plot hole and looked around with kitten-like curiosity. <You don’t  _ feel  _ human to me,> it commented. <You  _ look _ human, but there’s a hint of something more.>

“I wish we could explain fully,” said Miguel. “The important thing is, we’re here to take you home.”

<I have no home to speak of,> said Mewtwo. <I destroyed my birthplace, and left New Island to its fate.>

<I don’t have a home either. Where will I go?> Mew wondered. <You aren’t going to return me to the jungle, are you?>

Falchion looked Mewtwo dead in the eye. “We have a place for you, and it’s  _ far  _ away from humanity. You’ll be fine. How does the wilds of Johto sound? You can settle down wherever you choose.”

Mewtwo looked at him with a dubious expression, and then looked away again. <That will do, I suppose.>

“Mew…uh, I have no idea where that jungle from the first movie was, exactly, so I’ll just let you off on the side of Mt. Silver. You like Mt. Silver, right?”

Mew shrugged. <I’ve never been. It sounds pretty, though.>

Ami gasped. “Oh my gosh, I almost forgot!” She rummaged through her tote bag and pulled out her neuralyzer. “Chris, we need to neuralyze Mew and Mewtwo before we send them home!”

“Oh yeah…” He produced his own neuralyzer, putting the RA in his jacket for safekeeping. (Fortunately, he was still wearing the sunglasses.) “Ami, Brenda, Miguel, Mrs. Correa, close your eyes for a minute. Mew, Mewtwo, if I could have your attention for just a minute, please?”

_ FLASH! _

“Thank you. OK…my friends are going to open a door for each of you. When you go through, none of this will have ever happened. You will be free to continue your lives, wandering the world and in Mewtwo’s case, thinking about your purpose in life. Right this way, please…”

With some persuasion, the two legendaries reluctantly went through the portals and back into their home world.

It took another ten minutes to get all the clones and legendaries back to their respective locations in much the same way; Chris’s knowledge of where said legendaries could be found was immensely helpful. They ran into some problems trying to get Articuno and Zapdos  _ not _ to attack the group, but the legendary birds were ultimately neuralyzed and released into Kanto (with Falchion taking the Dark Balls as a souvenir, of course).

As for the Sue’s Cyndaquil…

“What’s gonna happen to this little cutie?” asked Brenda. “Mewtwo never cloned any Johto Pokémon, so we can’t give this one to him. We could give it to Professor Elm, but that’d be a little awkward and he probably has a Cyndaquil anyway.”

Miguel thought about it, and then smiled. “I’ll keep him.”

Everyone looked at him in surprise.

“Brenda and I were actually planning to start a Pokémon journey of our own before you intervened,” Miguel explained. “That’s as good a reason as any, I think. Besides, if I track down another Pokémon-verse Mary Sue, what happens if she challenges me to a battle?”

Diane hesitated at this. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” she asked. “Don’t you need a license to own something that can set the house on fire?”

“We’ll worry about Miguel’s Trainer Card later. Also, I can assure you the Response Centers are totally fireproof,” said Chris, knocking on the coffee table twice for good measure. “We can probably get DoSAT to supply a Poké Ball for the little guy.”

“Maaareep, mareep,” the Mareep added. (Falchion translated this as “Lucky I just zap people.”)

“Oh yeah,” Ami realized. “Falchion, what about Mareep? You said you weren’t sure what to do with him back when he showed up…”

Falchion looked at the Mareep, then at Chris, and then smiled. “You know what, Chris, you can keep him.”

Everyone did a double take. “For real?” asked Chris.

“You need it more than I do. Neither of my partners are Pokémon trainers, and you only have one Pokémon, so… yeah.”

“Also, you’re a fraidy-cat,” Ami teased.

“You’d be scared too if you were a bird who got given an electric sheep!”

Mareep bleated happily and nuzzled against Chris’s leg. He (almost) landed on his rear again, but smiled anyway as he petted it. “Thank you, Falchion,” he said. “And welcome to the team, Mareep!”

“So, I guess we’re done here?” asked Brenda. “I can’t wait to work for the PPC, wherever that is. Where is it, anyway?”

“I, uh…I’m not entirely sure, to be honest,” Ami laughed sheepishly. “Nobody is. But we’ll be there in a flash. Right, guys?”

Chris stood up and opened the portal, motioning for everyone else to go through. “Right this way, please. And if you see any chairs, you might want to sit down. The three of us have a  _ lot _ of things to explain.”

**Author's Note:**

> eatpraylove’s Note: Fun fact, I originally wanted to kill the Sue immediately after her parents revealed that they were all born as Pokémon. It would have involved Chris punching her in the face. But, death by angry Mewtwo works just as well. XD I hope this is a good first impression! Thanks for reading!
> 
> SkarmorySilver’s Note: Yay, my first collab is finally complete! I’m so glad I could help eatpraylove and her agents on their first assignment. It was really fun to write! …unlike the fanfic itself, of course. We didn’t even get through the halfway point, and after that there would have been a lot more characters introduced which would have overcomplicated things, so it was only practical that we stopped the Sue before she started out. Besides, there were so many things we found wrong with the first half of the fic that it really wouldn’t have made a difference regardless!
> 
> We took over two weeks to write this story, but overall, I’m glad we made it through. I look forward to seeing future missions from eatpraylove’s agent team!
> 
> Rescued minis:  
> \- Mini-Missingno (unwillingly) adopted:  
> \- Meww (Kabutops skeleton) (keeping)  
> \- pokemon (Aerodactyl skeleton)  
> \- psych-heal (Lavender ghost) (keeping)  
> \- mewtwo (blob of pixels)  
> \- mew (Kabutops skeleton) (w/Miguel)  
> \- pokedex (blob of pixels)  
> \- HoOh (Aerodactyl skeleton)  
> \- cyndaquil (ghost)  
> \- zapdos (Aerodactyl skeleton)  
> \- articuno (blob of pixels)  
> \- Anyone wants one of these little buggers (pun intended), just ask. Ones with (keeping) after their name are going to be sticking around my RC.


End file.
